*Okay, before I jump into this, I want to apologies for slacking on my blog, I’ve just felt like crap emotionally, and I know that when I tried writing, it wasn’t my fullest (since last year, summers have been the worst for me), but I’m back, getting ready to reboot the blog for fall (I feel like I do this every year, reboot for the cooler seasons, which is like the start of a year for me), so stay tuned for that.
Now let’s jump into this post that I thought was actually pretty clev
I’ve been waiting for the perfect opportunity to clap back at all the people who have been getting on me about dating.
Because, to be honest, I don’t need a boyfriend, except for one reason.
Me-(Screams, jumps back, staring at threating looking spider) Holy-
(Spider moves some)
Me-(Whips out phone to call prince charming) Hey! Answer your phone! Did you seriously forget to add me to your contacts?
Imaginary Boyfriend- Hazi, I’m literally right here. What’s the matter now?
Me- (Screaming and shuttering some) It moved. The spider is big and it moved.
Imaginary Boyfriend- (Unimpressed) Hazi, that’s legitamately just a clump of hair.
Me- (Looking around) How is that even possible?! We’re at the bookstore!
Imaginary Boyfriend-You’re hair is literally everywhere. My mom found it in her shoes this morning, and you’ve never been to our house.
Me- Yes, yes I have….oh wait…never mind…
To be Frank give me a crap load of bug bomb, some raid and a bunch of heavy things to throw at spiders, and I’m self sufficient. So here’s why I don’t need a boyfriend/husband
I don’t need a guy, because I can be totally money-savvy and sufficient.
Me(Looking at brother with pride)-Dude, you would not believe what I just managed.
Brother(Looking up from book)-What?
Me(Holding up three packets of Raman)-I just got these three packets of Raman for 20 cents. I’m so responsible.
Brother(Frowning)-But mom let you borrow twenty dollars.
Me(Nodding)-Yeah, I brought this dog(holds up guinea pig) And a toilet brush. And this take-out container along with this pair of reading glasses and these flip-flops.
Brother(Staring in disbelief)-You don’t even like flip-flops. And how the heck did you get all that with twenty dollars-and you don’t even need glasses.
Of course, we could reverse this situation.
Me(Looking at brother with pride)- Dude, you would not believe what I just managed.
Brother(Looking up from book)-What?
Me(holding up three packets of Raman)-I just managed to score these three packets of raman.
Brother(Frowning)-But mom let you borrow fifty dollars.
Me(Nodding)-Yeah, I know. Prices are crazy right?
Brother(Staring in disbelief)-But you could have brought groceries for a week.
I mean, to be blatantly honest, I can make 20 dollars stretch, but for the life of me, if I’m given’ one hundred dollars, I suddenly forget everything I need and want and manage to buy three cheap things, and I’m still broke within a few days. Another post for another time, eh?
Anyway, I can buy my own meals.
Me(Examining the restaurant in my area)- Right, so, I’m kinda feelin’ like I could use some fries…
Brother(Giving me an exasperated look)- Just about every place sells fries.
Me(The clear genius)-Yeah, I know, but I need the right fries. I can’t figure out if I’m in the mood for burgers and fries, or just fries, or fries and-
Brother (Looking at phone)-Yeah, but theirs legitimately three places you can afford, and McDonalds isn’t one of them.
Me(The strong independent girl that I am)-Right, going to call dad and smooth talk him into getting me fries.
I can fix my own car. Seriously, I can change the tire, check the oil, replace ball bearings and joints in larger cars, check the antifreeze, get into arguments with it, jerry rig the door. I’m a master at it.
Me-Looks like I need to pry these bolts off. I’ll need a monkey wrench.
(Picks up wrench with Guinea Pig attached)
Me-Seriously, Squishy, you’re ruining my pun.
(Pulls Squishy off of to reveal a monkey wrench with a monkey painted on it).
I can make myself laugh. Seriously, I could be lying in bed, and next thing you know I’m comedian.
Me-Ah yes, I shall now set fire to their house…
Me-Yes, burn, burn baby, burn.
Brother-(Busts into room)Two Things, one, You’re getting a little concerning with the Black Widow challenge, and two, about Atlantis.
Me- I’m not playing the Sims 4. I’m writing a story. I just set fire to their house. I’m the grand-master of evil.
I’m not really lonely. I don’t actually have desperate desire’s to marry someone so that we can cuddle. I have that covered.
Me(Sitting up groggily, looking over a long-pile of blankets, almost human shaped)-You take up the whole sugar cookien’ bed.
Dog(Lazily crawls out from under the covers, unimpressed)-Growl.
Me(Frustrated)-I am so done with this relationship. You’re hogging the entire bed, and you don’t even go to bed at a reasonable time. You’re the only creature I know that can sleep for twenty hours and still be tired.
Dog(Rolls on back)
Me-(Awed at cuteness)OHMYGOSHLOOKATYOUBEINGSUCHAGOODPUPPYILOVEYOUSOMUCH.
I can do my own lawn work. Not that I have any to do yet, but I can take care of that stuff when I get older.
Me(Staring at grass in disdain)-Geez, it’s getting so tall. It needs to be cut.
Me(Calls brother)-Dude, I need you to come cut my grass.
Brother(Being the totally compassionate guy that he is)-Uh…Okay? You live in an apartment.
Me-Just cut the grass. I’ll pay you in Hot Tamales
(A few minutes later)
Brother (pulls out sheers, cuts small patch of fake grass I’m “growing” in a pot)-There?
Me(Proud, and released)-Excellent. C’mon, I got the Hot Tamales in the fridge. Didn’t want them to melt.
Brother (groaning)-Well that was your worst pun yet.
I can compliment myself. I’m secure in who I am. I have the ability to compliment myself and make myself feel like I’m drop dead gorgeous.
Me-(Rolls out of bed, stumbles to nearest mirror) Geez, I look like crap today. Really good crap, I mean, to be honest, my hair’s not to shabby, and I’m not so revolting that I need a paper bag over my head so…
Me-(Getting dressed for the day) Now this is something I like, and won’t totally regret wearing in the next two years.
Me-(Staring at myself in the mirror) Yes. I shall no longer be humble. I shall rule the world with confidence-
I can pick myself up out of an emotional rut.
Me-Wow, I look terrible.
Me-Wow, I feel terrible.
Me-Wow, I sound terrible.
Me-Wow, I’m terrible.
Me-Right but God made me, so how terrible can I be? I mean, He doesn’t exactly make mistakes.
Me-No, but you can turn yourself into a making a mistake.
Me-Exactly. So if I can continue to screw up and convince myself that I’m a mistake, and I can make good decisions, and convince myself that I’m not a mistake.
Me-Woah. That’s some deep thoughts right there. I’m feeling so amped up! I’m gonna set my alarm for seven thirty, and get up early, work out, eat healthy, be happy.
Me-Slow it down, take it one step at a time. Don’t forget that God’s suppose to help you through this stuff.
I can handle my own bills and taxes. I mean, I don’t have any personal ones yet, I’m still a minor, but I’m sure I can.
Me(Walking up to front desk of bustling building people are housed in)-Hey, can I get a hot meal and a room with a window toward the Cafeteria? Also, could I share a room with that one chic who is really good at singing the alphabet backward? And can I get the complimentary outfit in stripes, because, to be honest, orange is never my color.
Front Desk Worker-Ma’am, this is a jail, are you drunk?
Me(Clearly not drunk)-Love, my card was declined when I went to buy the half-off sale of Raman noodles. Do you seriously think I could buy alcohol? Also, is that stuff even legal?
Police Officer Friend-Oh, it’s you, what bill is it this time?
Me(Removing earrings)-Medical bill. Doctor thought I had severe food poisoning, so I got sent to the E.R.
Police Officer(Clearly intrigued by my fascinating story)-Well what was it actually?
Me-I have a dairy intolerance and I ate an entire ice cream cake by myself in one thirty minute sitting, so you tell me.
Police Officer (Nodding knowingly, turns to front desk person)-Right well, this one’s a regular. You know, broke student, no clue what she’s doing with her life, other than breaking a bunch of things and racking up bills and taxes she can’t pay. Give her a room with the best window of the house, and make sure she get’s an extra minute and half in the shower.
I can get into arguments with myself. Really, I don’t need a guy for that. I can argue and annoy myself just by complimenting someone.
Me-Right, that person has some really nice shoes. I’ll just let them know.
Me-But how cute were those shoes? Do we really like those shoes? I mean logically, they kinda have that animal print look.
Me-Yeah, but they’re boots. Boots are attractive even when they’re muddy. A little animal print never hurt anyone.
Me-That’s not what you said when you went book cover shopping.
All joking aside, I can take care of myself. It’s how I was raised. So to all the people out there that think that I need a guy in my life to make me special, then you’re wrong.
It’s not like I’m generally saying I’ll never have a boyfriend, I mean, I’m totally open to it, unless the guy’s a patriots fan- I’m friends with some, and while yes, I can excuse them because everyone makes mistakes, I can’t date a fan. Ever.