2020-The Year of Healing

There’s nothing more refreshing then a new year. For me, Christmas can stand down because New Years Day has a certain excitement that can’t be reached. It proves to me that I made it through one hex of a year, and you know what, I’m gonna kill another.

If I’m honest, I love fresh starts.

However, I feel as if I need to wrap up 2019, and this decade, in some of my most notable moments.

  1. I became dual-enrolled, and received B’s in the two classes I did take. (I only took two because I was just trying it out). I’m proud to say I paid for a majority of each class and their requirements.
  2. I dyed my hair. This is big because I’m not really a rebellious kid-I’m kind of a stiff neck, but this was one rebellious thing I wanted to do. So I begged my mom to let me do it before I was eighteen, and she agreed. I did have it professionally done because I’m a clumsy hot mess and I didn’t feel like cleaning out the tub or trying to fix my hair if something went wrong.
  3. I was officially employed for one whole year.
  4. I started working in both retail and food services, and have in fact realized that I do not want to do either for the rest of my life.
  5. I got my license.
  6. Sponsors!!
  7. I reached 165 followers (and counting, here’s to ya’ll)!
  8. I went self-hosted.
  9. I joined a church I’m truly comfortable with.
  10. I found my writing niche.
  11. I met some great, real friends. Even if they are online, I finally found a group of friends that I feel comfortable enough not to have to filter myself.
  12. I stopped trying to live my life pleasing others, or proving them wrong.
  13. I stopped trying to be better than everybody else and just decided to be the best me that I can be.
  14. I accepted that the emotional/mental abuse I went through as a child is not something I should blame myself for; nor should I try to bottle up the emotions that come with remembering.
  15. I’ve recovered from major past trauma and events, and I’m finally ready for the next step-healing.

In wrap-maybe I didn’t do my New Years Resolutions, but I sure did pretty well. I will say, when I talk about emotional and mental abuse, I’m talking about some extended family members. Earlier this year, I had a breakdown and had to admit what I was feeling from it. It was a lot to admit, but ultimately, I’ve spent a lot of the year trying to talk with someone about it, and just be honest. You know, recover-thank God for my brother and parents; couldn’t have done it without their support. I’m moving on from the abuse (again, strictly emotional and mental, but definitely a dark point in my life).

So with the conclusion of that, here’s to Twenty-Twenty.

The year I Heal.

The year I step outside the box.


Looking for something special to treat yourself to? Try the Fabfitfun box. Fabfitfun is a subscription box that ships seasonally, giving you a bare minimum box worth of $200.I loved the Winter box-everything I received I’m using/have used, and can honestly say I don’t regret it-the blanket I got alone makes me happy-and the speaker; I was just so stoked. You can check it out here.

Even though it’s late, I will be posting a review for it; I loved the box that much-I got some incredibly aesthetic photos-a rarity for me, I don’t usually. (Seriously, I was so proud I showed my mom like it was artwork or something).


To get a discount use the code SOCOLD (even though where I live we had a cold Thanksgiving, and Christmas was seventy-stinking-degrees), and get $10 off your purchase.

Also, about the sponsors, I really appreciate the fact that nobody’s lost their mind about this-I wouldn’t do it, however, I’m trying to turn my blog into something that I can keep up in college, and even the smallest amount helps there.

Anyway, see you next year!

Why Cash isn’t the best way to Solve Poverty

Todays post was Sponsored by Grammarly. If you’re into writing blogs, or more professional things, then using the exstentions they offer are ideal for you!

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On  March 31st, 2017, the HuffPost released an article written by Mark Hovarth. This article was talking about the idea that giving homeless people money is okay if you feel comfortable.

He constructs the article talking about how to give them money and even goes as far as to say why. He argues the idea that it’s wrong to believe that they would go and spend the money on drugs and alcohol and even if they do-their homeless, so why not? (He wasn’t advocating it, but you know, something to take the edge off).

And I can respect that opinion, you know, the “Well it’s not my business” mindset.

I can, however, give you two reasons why it will most certainly hurt to give cash at will.

1. Drugs and Alcohol are often not permitted in shelters geared toward homeless people.

After spending two years volunteering in one (a homeless shelter), I can tell you why.

Frequently, when purchasing alcohol or drugs of sorts, the person may become rather disruptive. This can cause a problem for the others staying, as it’s both disruptive and unfair. If the patron who consumed the alcohol or drugs fails to abide by set rules and proves to be disruptive and show disrespect toward others, then they will be asked to leave-thus furthering the dangers of the streets, taking away their opportunity of a fairly (no place is entirely safe) place to sleep.

2. Mental Illness

The National Institute of Health released an article on the effects of severe mental illness and the effects that the substances have on them.

“Compared to controls, people with severe mental illness were about 4 times more likely to be heavy alcohol users (four or more drinks per day); 3.5 times more likely to use marijuana regularly (21 times per year); and 4.6 times more likely to use other drugs at least 10 times in their lives. The greatest increases were seen with tobacco, with patients with severe mental illness 5.1 times more likely to be daily smokers. This is of concern because smoking is the leading cause of preventable death in the United States.” (National Institute of Health, 2014)

Naturally, you might be wondering how this affects the idea of giving money to those who are going through a hard time/are on the streets.

According to SAMHSA,

“According to the National Survey of Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), an estimated 9.8 million adults aged 18 or older in the U.S. had a serious mental illness (SMI), including 2.5 million adults living below the poverty line.” (SAMSHA, 2016)

Of course, the argument could then be “You can’t assume that everybody is struggling with substance abuse”. However, you yourself (if you argued that sometimes it doesn’t quite matter), just admitted, that even if they buy the liquor, it could help.  Not to mention, I myself, after volunteering in the area for a few short months, had gotten an idea on where you could pick up drugs (i.e sneakers on telephone lines), and by driving in the part of town below the poverty line, you could easily witness a few drug handoffs. Listen hard enough to those in that area, and you’ll hear where you can buy anything fairly cheap.

So now, you’re probably wondering, what am I supposed to do, how can I help?

And I have answers for that.

–Keep actual snacks fairly handy.  Maybe a few water bottles/Gatorade in your car, a small thing of snacks to hand out. If you’re out walking the city, consider gift cards. Though they can be traded, the chance of them doing that, rather than getting something to eat is smaller.

—Educate yourself on the local organizations that exist to help those who are struggling.

—- When coming in contact with someone who’s struggling, gauge the situation. If they’re homeless, find a way to assist them in that area. If they’re struggling financially but have a place to stay, direct them to an organization that would help them with what they’re struggling with.

—–If you have extra time, call the place for them, let the organization know that you have someone who needs help, and turn the situation over to the,.

Overall, the mentioned options are much better than handing out cash. Making sure you know of the places that there are to help, and giving them food and water are key.

HOWEVER, do not put yourself in a situation that you might feel uncomfortable in. This is supposed to help the other person, but you don’t want to hurt yourself in the process.

That being said, what are your thoughts on this particular topic? I’d love to hear your thoughts below!


Work Cited

Horvath, Mark. “Giving Money to Homeless People Is Okay.” HuffPost, HuffPost, 31 Mar. 2017, http://www.huffpost.com/entry/giving-money-to-homeless-people-is-okay_b_58de9ef7e4b0ca889ba1a57b?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAJq84-pEAYZ88Dy6xTWunpX3i0zFlrdhbPTbbziBsIxgx_h1wcHifi6gqUh4vYwctqAkRKZzd2XoXz6jgspi_BbgyY8GfqlxZvbTULA5kYxu-Pmhl3Z5Sl2EbOqjREVSGGUz9ceCOYSAh3ArbMvDt6079LHrnJLN8Ov1nLiyAMnV.

“SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS AMONG ADULTS BELOW THE POVERTY LINE.” Serious Mental Illness Among Adults Below the Poverty Line, 15 Nov. 2016, http://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/report_2720/Spotlight-2720.html.

“Severe Mental Illness Tied to Higher Rates of Substance Use.” National Institutes of Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 8 Sept. 2015, http://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/severe-mental-illness-tied-higher-rates-substance-use.

Why I didn’t get help-and Why You Should

Listen, it’s Suicide Prevention Week, and usually, I’d make some fancy pictures-I even tried to compile a list of information, on why it’s such a big deal. Make a nice report, if you will. This is, what I wrote instead. I didn’t get help at this point in my life but it’s something you should do. I don’t know how I made it through; other than by the grace of God. I know that He would have wanted me to get help, though, rather than sitting in a pool of misconception and unconventional lies to myself.

So, if you’re feeling Suicidal, or even, depressed, please take time to get help, to begin the journey of healing-you mean so much to the world.

*Trigger Warning*

I can still remember the day pretty clearly. I was starting to get incredibly poor on myself. I had been struggling with school-but my pride refused help.

And that was what drove me insane; my pride.

You see, roughly three years ago, I wanted to die. Roughly three years ago, I was holding a container of Ibuprofen, sobbing on my bed, despising myself for the smallest mistake.

I stopped caring for myself but didn’t know how to explain it to others. I had convinced myself that I was trying to seek attention; and allowed myself to suffer in silence for over a year, before hinting at it, and eventually, forgetting that part of my life existed. And over time, I healed, sort of. I couldn’t tell you why I wanted to die, back then. I just hated how terrible I was-how I could never make it, how I wasn’t worth the time of day. How, for somebody so talentless, I was also racking up debts for my family because I was consistently sick.

And whether it my brain or my conscious, I worked desperately to wrestle with my thoughts that day. Suicide, it’s not the answer. It won’t solve my problems. Everybody will be so disappointed in you…but then, I was 100% convinced I was already a disappointment.

I was the reason that everything went wrong in every bodies life-but also, how dare I think I even was capable of crossing peoples minds.

My thoughts were contradictory, and I always fought for a reason to view myself as a despicable human being.

Looking back, I could tell you every reason for it; and the answer is,

My Perfection Drove me to levels of insanity.

You couldn’t tell that I’m a perfectionist if you looked at me-spoke to me. You probably wouldn’t even guess that I have anxiety attacks about not properly conversing with people, or because I failed a test.

I could never measure up to my friends, who had talents of some sorts-who could write, or draw. Maybe they played sports, and/or instruments. It didn’t matter, I wanted to be like them, I wanted that talent. I wanted that capability. But in my mind, I was nothing. I could do nothing. I meant nothing-everybody was lying to me.

They had to be.

My work; in my eyes, it wasn’t good enough.

It could never be good enough.

So why try at all?

But, what also rang in my combatted all of these thoughts.

Why do you always make yourself the center of attention?

You don’t matter that much. You don’t cross people’s minds every time of the day? Why are you being narcissistic?

SO selfish.

You could probably see how that would drive anyone insane. So, I clasped the pills, argued with myself for a bit, paced the floor, sobbing violently. And somehow, argued myself to chucking them somewhere in the void of objects that cluttered the closet.

I collapsed on my bed.

Still wrestling with these thoughts, I figured up several different ways to die.

All so dramatic.

Maybe I was just getting attention? That’s what this had to be, my selfish attempts at attention.

I don’t know how I managed to make it through that day. I really don’t, my last memory of that day is praying violently to God, pleading with him to help me convince myself that I had a life worth living. I remember journaling, and flipping through pictures, trying to reason with myself that was, all I remember about that day.

Until recently, I never brought it up, concerned that I was trying to bring attention to myself, and overall, concerned that I wasn’t actually struggling then. In retrospect, I was. I didn’t bring it up to my parents, in fear that they would think that it was irrational. My parents were more concerned about how they could have helped, and upset that they didn’t.
I should have spoken up, I went through added years of anguish that still bleed into my thoughts to this very day. I should have gotten help, and I know, that if you struggle with thoughts like that, you should too.

Where I made my mistake, was trying to minimize my problems.

What followed after was a series of panic attacks where I would try to pull at things-my hair, my skin, my clothes, leaving scratches on my skin, and a rather sore scalp. I had scattered thoughts, and genuinely, truly, even while I preached the importance of getting help to friends and family, I still needed help.

Don’t let yourself get to that point-don’t let yourself get to the point of insanity or suicide. You matter you matter so much more then you realize. Everybody has a different journey and a different story. You add vibrant colors to the world that you might not realize, and while it might not seem like it now-it will.

Take time to talk to someone and take time to get help. It’ll be worth it.